Sunday, February 11, 2007

Just keep praying, just keep praying...

It's the Christian version of Nemo.

For those who may not know, Knight and I have realized that I need to spend more time with the family. I have an incredible passion for my job -- so much so that I feel emotionally and physically exhausted at the end of each day of teaching. I love my students, and I love working hard to help them learn and be successful. Unfortunately, I haven't figured out how to temper this enthusiasm and reserve more energy to serve my family in the evenings when I'm home.

Part of my job this year is helping to bolster our science curriculum. We decided to add an environmental science course for next year, and as I was making plans for this course next year, it was very clear to me that I wasn't going to be the one teaching it. It was strange, really, but all I can say is that I just knew I wasn't going to be a part of the curriculum next year. I knew God had other plans for me.

I argued with Him about it for awhile. I feel that my ability to teach is truly a gift. I couldn't figure out why God would be asking me to give that up just when I was really settling in at my school (this is my second year there). I've spent a year and a half developing relationships with my students; I've said all along that my favorite thing about this school is that I would get to have the same students year after year, teaching four sequential courses. I'd get to really develop relationships with them and see them mature spiritually and academically. I'd get to really invest in them, instead of just teaching them for a few months and sending them on to the next teacher. As I was expressing this to Knight, he pointed out to me that I wouldn't stop teaching. Jet needs me to teach him about billions of things, as will our future children.

Knight and I have always planned for me to be a stay at home mom at some point. We had made plans to get pregnant with #2 this summer, and then I would teach through the school year (like I did the entire time I was expecting Jet) and resign after that. Apparently God has other plans, which, I might add, isn't too surprising. I've heard that saying that goes something like, "If you want to hear God chuckle, tell Him your plans."

Don't get me wrong -- I am completely in love with the idea of staying home with Jet next year. The truth is that if I don't do it this next year, I won't be able to do it. He'll be starting preschool (at least part-time) the year after that.

However, I'm also the type of person who puts her emotions on hold until all the details are worked out. Once I can see a clear path of how the idea can be put into action, I allow myself to get excited. I can handle being disappointed about something if I didn't really get excited about it in the first place. I'm afraid of being let down after I get my heart set on staying home with Jet because it's something I really, really want.

My Grandad Glenn reminds me that I serve a really, really big God. I've been looking at all kinds of options for part-time employment, stay at home work, tutoring, even going back to school for some type of training for a job that I could more easily do part-time. The entire time, I feel God telling me to just trust Him. Be still, and know that I am God. Knight will need to make up about half of my paycheck each month for us to live comfortably. That's about $1000 a month. I almost laugh out loud when I think about what a pittance that must seem to the God of the universe.

So, I just keep praying, just keep praying... for more faith and more patience.


Heather said...

I'll be praying for you. It's a big job to stay at home, but I don't think you'll regret it!! You can always teach later, but you can't have Jet back home once he starts school. (unless you homeschool ;) Keep us posted!

Damsel said...

Thanks, Heather. I've already told my principal that I'm not coming back next year; that was a giant step of faith, but it was one God was pushing me to do early on. I know I won't regret staying home; I just want to know how it's all going to work, and I want to know *now*! :)

Heather said...

I know. I'm one that can finally relax after the fact. Hmph.

Anonymous said...

You know, sweetheart, that you and the rest of your sweet family are being prayed for every day by your granddad and me.
Love you MOAF.

Damsel said...

Thank you for the daily prayers, Granny. I think about that often, and it's comforting to know that you and Grandad do that for us.